Strategies for
Improving Listening Skills
Instructions
1.
Listen with care. As
you listen, focus on what is being said. Keep your eyes on the person while she
is talking. Stay focused on what she is saying by formulating questions in your
head, such as "What's the main point of this conversation?" Don't
listen by thinking up what you're going to say next; just focus on the speaker.
You'll have to devote real energy to staying highly tuned in, but it will show
the speaker that you care deeply about what's being said.
2. Respond in
relevant ways. When the person you're listening to stops speaking and is
looking at you for a response, speak directly to what has just been said. Say
something like "So you're saying you don't think that ___. Is that
right?" or "It seems like you're feeling really ___. Is that
true?" This will keep the attention focused on the other person and what
he needs right now, which is the foundation of good listening. It's all about
the other person. Be a mirror for the person who needs to talk, so that you can
help him unravel what he is thinking and feeling.
3.
Ask questions that
require open-ended rather than closed answers. This means that you should ask
questions that encourage further sharing rather than closing it off. Don't ask
questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no. Rather than ask
"Do you want to quit your job?" ask something more like "What
are the positives and negatives you should look at before deciding to leave
this job?" This last question requires the person to continue speaking and
exploring her own feelings, so it encourages openness. When someone realizes
you want to hear her out, that person will usually relax more about the subject
and speak with greater freedom. This builds trust and relationship and helps
the person to see her thoughts and feelings in a more objective light.
4. Lean into
the person. Use your body to convey that you are listening with a concerned
heart. If you're sitting down, lean toward the person. Keep your arms and legs
uncrossed. When crossed, you appear to be closing people out. You want your
posture as well as your words to say "I'm present to you; I'm here for you."
It's good to nod or shake your head when you want to convey agreement or
surprise to him. Anything that shows you are actively in this conversation with
him is a plus.
5. Don't talk
until the person stops talking. Interrupting always makes the speaker feel as if
you aren't listening and as if what she is saying is of no importance to you.
You can't hear if you are talking, so keep quiet and listen. People don't
always want or need advice, but they always need to know they're being heard.
Usually their answers will be found within their own words, so they need time
and space to speak freely to get to those answers that may be buried under a
mountain of emotion or conflict. Let them speak and comment when they are
finished, and you'll show them you care about what they're feeling and saying.
6. Be patient. Listening
takes time and patience. You can't jump to conclusions or rush into give advice
unless you are willing to seem uncaring. Just being actively there, letting the
other person know that she matters and what she has to say is important will be
healing and comforting. Listening is nearly a lost art in these days of rushing
and electronic communication, but it is worth the time it takes to learn since
it's the quickest and easiest pathway to great relationships. For more
information on relationship skills, go to eNotAlone’s Relationship Handbook.
The URL is listed below.
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